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"I can't give up on you."

"You have to. That part of my life is done. I don't want to see you. I don't want to be with you. I just want you to go."

Sounds familiar.

As a little girl, your father is supposed to be your greatest protector. You're supposed to view him as your hero. The knight in shining armor who steps in the way of any danger. The one who checks under your bed and in your closet for monsters. The one who holds your hand as you cross the street. The one who guides your bicycle as you learn to ride.

The amount of time I experienced that was very short. One chapter in the many of my lifetime before he transformed into one of the monsters in my closet and then disappeared into darkness.

I saw glimpses of it in other families, though, and it was a beautiful thing. I craved it after that, the idea of someone who would stop at nothing to protect me. Someone who would love me so much he would do everything in his power to never see me cry.

When you live so long without it, you get used to being your own portector or simply taking the hits of life when you can't seem to protect yourself. That was where I started at the beginning of this year. I had spent over twenty years becoming my own knight. My amor wasn't beautiful but it was effective. I never once contemplated having or trusting someone enough to protect me such that I could let my own guard down. Take my armor off and rest.

Then everything changed. I met a guy that for once seemed to love me without conditions or judgement. He put my needs above his own. He told me it was okay to cry and he would never leave me crying and alone. He would protect me. Maybe even from my own demons. He was my knight in dented armor, someone who had fought and continued to fight his own battles. Someone who saw beauty in my own worn armor and respected the way I did battle.

Meeting him was the closest I've come to pure joy and peace. I believed every word he said, because he followed it with action. When I was upset, he saw to my needs. He offered help and advice. He was there to lean on when my own battles exhausted me. I could fall asleep knowing he would watch over me. He made me feel good about myself, hopeful of the future.

Then came the day of our largest battle. We were back to back working in unison. Cut. Parry. Block. We danced around each other, our blades and shields triumphant. When the end of the battle was in sight, I turned to smile at him, for we were entering a new era of peace after this. Sure, there were some small openings in our battle formation but we would work through those and come out even stronger.

Only when I turned, he was gone. I searched frantically as I attempted to hold off the monsters that remained by myself. I called his name. That only attracted more frenzied demons. I hadn't fought alone in almost a year. I was rusty, taking one too many liberties. Blood poured from fresh wounds. I started to slow, weakened. More than once falling to my knees, wondering if it was the end.

Where was he? Why wasn't he protecting me anymore? Had I failed him somehow?

I kept searching, fearing the worst. Not understanding. Not able to comprehend any other reason for his absence than if he had fallen himself.

But he was just... gone.

It took my several days to determine he hadn't actually fallen during the fight. And then several weeks to accept he wasn't coming back. I survived the end of the battle alone. Drained and imperceptively changed.

Eventually, I put back on my old armor, though it didn't fit the same. Equipped my old weapons. They didn't feel right in my hands anymore. But the armor and weapons I'd used at his side were designed for a strategy made for the two of us. They were ineffective now and only serving to put me in harm's way.

I am back to being my own protector, questions unanswered and part of my soul feeling ripped away. Wondering if we might ever cross paths again.

Yesterday, I met with a friend I hadn't seen in a very long time. On Monday, I'll be having lunch with another friend I haven't seen in over a year.

It is helping me remember the part of me I love most: my desire to serve others. And though being rejected may happen, I will continue on. Because people out there still need help... Maybe a friend to talk. Maybe to organize a fundraiser. Maybe someone to teach them a new game or about writing.

But if being in the service of others and bringing others joy is what makes me feel truly happy, then it's the perfect focus to pull me out of my heartache. I will melt down the scrap metal of that broken dream and forge a new one.

COMMENTS

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EstrangedOne
07:41 Jul 25 2021

Well, if such a thing is really what makes a person happy, then all the more power to you, kiddo.
If I didn't despise the human race so much, I would almost envy you, on that one.

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FoxFire
08:00 Jul 25 2021

I wouldn't say I'm a people person. And I have some social anxiety. But it gives me a sense of purpose to serve.

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xXAvaXx
02:15 Jul 27 2021

I am sooo proud of you

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FoxFire
02:47 Jul 27 2021

💜

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"The world gets a little smaller every day... You don't even notice the box you're in until someone comes along who lets you out."

Someone let me out. I saw what the world could be. What affection and love should be. How incredibly safe it felt for so many reasons, including our shared faith. What a future might look like. What true passion felt like.

I gave my hopes, my dreams, my body. My heart. I offered it all. And he said he wanted it all. That there wasn't anything we couldn't work through. He promised.

And then he shoved me back into the box and told me that's where I belong. That I wasn't good enough. Pretty enough. Respectable enough.

Maybe the box isn't so bad...

I know at some point, I've got to decide to let all of it go... but right now I just can't. I wish he had at least said he loved me and that it wasn't an easy decision. It seemed so very easy for him. His being at peace made it seem as if he was dismissing me without any regret or heartache. As if he'd never loved me at all.

If you ever break up with someone, the kindest thing you can ever say is how you'll never stop caring about them, how they'll stay in your heart, and that the decision is the hardest you've ever made... That it's breaking your heart but right now it's the best decision you can make.

I'm not okay. Some days are better than others. Today is a bad one.

I could hardly concentrate on work. No writing... It's still too painful. How will I ever feel happy creating stories again? He liked that I was a creative. No one has ever liked that. It was so easy sharing my words... It was safe. I was excited for his opinion. I could write with him as a reader in mind. And he wrote me stories, too. He was... the most talented writer I've ever RPed with.

In the beginning, that's all there was... that's all we were. Writing peers. Why did that have to be destroyed, too?

COMMENTS

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xXAvaXx
06:10 Jul 16 2021

I feel so much...pain reading this. It makes me want to ask questions like, "Why can't you write with him", but of course that's none of my business. However, I am sorry for whatever the reason may be...

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FoxFire
06:44 Jul 16 2021

Trust me, I ask the same question. He cut me off completely. I didn't just lose a boyfriend. I lost my best friend, my confidant, my reader, my creative partner. All of it... all at once... completely unexpected. For a reason that doesn't justify that level of extreme action.

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cutexbutxpsycho
07:44 Jul 16 2021

I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but it'll be ok, you'll get through this. Hang in there♡

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FoxFire
18:23 Jul 16 2021

Thank you.

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I keep wondering if I could've done something different, been something more. And the answer is no. I gave the best of me. Not saying I wasn't flawed. But I was fully open, honest, caring, and communicative. If who I am wasn't enough in the end, it was never going to be. And I don't want someone who settles for me... even if it felt right at the time.

A part of me thought maybe he would reply. Maybe he would reappear here. Or maybe he would visit the site anonymously just to check on me. But that would mean he first had to care, and I'm not sure he ever did. Words like "I love you" can be so empty. Now the next time I hear them, I won't take it at face value. I'll wonder if it's just another beautiful lie.

COMMENTS

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EstrangedOne
02:06 Jul 16 2021

This is why those like myself tend to stay in the shadows, kiddo. Most, I couldn't care less if they "cared" or not. Especially former significant others. Granted, there have been those times when a person has even left their mark on me. But I know it never really lasts, so I do as I have always done; I make a note of it, and then I figure out how to leave it behind.

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FoxFire
02:35 Jul 16 2021

I think I'm still in shock. Leaving it behind is difficult when it still feels like the present.

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"Some people have the Olive Garden"... and funny enough, so did we. But I didn't feel like going to jail today. And I couldn't exactly blow up VR either. Not that I would cross Cancer. Heh.

So I did the only thing I could do. I sent my final words and then deleted everything. Every word. Every exchange. Gone with a click.

It's time to move on.

Will I still write about him? Absolutely. It's fuel. But the words will be under my control. The story will be told the way I decide.

The ironic thing is that you created me. You found me, my nature curious but unawakened. You gave me knowledge. You encouraged investigation. You rewarded me when I shared. You gave me a safe place to be dangerous, a safe place to explore without judgment. You knew all the right words to build my trust.

You instructed me. You taught me how to hang on your words. You told me what to say and do, how to play.

You were pleased, and pleasing you motivated me.

And after months of feeding me praise and coaxing my nature into the world... caressing my insanity... you ripped my collar away. You kicked me into the street for my wicked ways.

Sounds like your favorite leading lady villain, doesn't it? Well, I may be her, but I'm no longer yours. And one day, you'll regret letting me go.

I miss talking to you.
Getting to know you.
Laughing with you.
Supporting your dreams.
Giving each other license to be crazy.
Sharing affectionate words.
Basking in your attention.
Being inspired and cooperatively creative.

It meant everything to me.
Even if it meant nothing to you.

1) denial
2) anger
3) hatred
4) The Dark Side
5) brownies

There is no acceptance. There are only brownies.

^ The lost lines of the Sith code. I found them. You're welcome.

There's always a scene in romantic movies when all hope seems lost, some great grievance has opened a chasm between the two and they seem as if they will never have their happily ever after. Then one of them gives an impassioned plea, pouring their heart out and laying every part of themselves on the line. They could be rejected. Their heart and soul could be crushed. But of course it isn't. Because who doesn't yearn to be loved like that? So they make up and they are closer than ever, having overcome the impossible.

But the movies lie. Pouring your heart out isn't enough. And happily ever after can slip through your fingers without you being able to do anything to stop it.

COMMENTS

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DebaucherySin
07:50 Mar 17 2022

because many writers hope that someone would break the cycle or very least, to see what was never given.

Still though, there is more possibilities and we never know if one would absolute to the conclusion or having peace of mind.

All to do is hope and live in the now.

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I've never been the most beautiful, intelligent, or talented.
I've never believed it when someone told me I was.
I've never trusted easily.
I've never opened up so much.
I've never admitted to crying.
I've never had so much hope.
I've never held a dream in my hands only to watch it be taken away.
I've never fought so hard to keep it.
I've never lost something so irreplaceable.
I've never felt so broken.

I've never loved like this.

I thought I was gone from here. I'd found everything I didn't realize I had been searching for... here of all places. But in the end, I wasn't enough.

So I'm here... revisiting where we met. Trying not to look back at our conversations. Trying not to cry. Trying not to think about how happy I was a week ago...

I don't want to share my heart again. I can't. I won't.